Thursday, December 13, 2001

I need a break

Sorry I haven't been writing much. You know how it gets around finals. Right now I'm taking a breather from finishing up my final project for Composotion for Non-Majors.

Today at 11am, I had my last Juries ever. Basically what Juries are, is at the end of each semester, you type up a list of all the songs you've been working on, go up in front of all of the voice teachers, sing one of the songs, and then sing one that they pick. You have to do it every semester except for spring of Senior year. So this was my last one.

Seriously, and with all modesty, I've been absolutely kicking ass all semester. I've sounded better than I've ever sounded in my whole life. (I can prove it; I recorded myself practicing a couple of times.) I was reeeeeeally psyched for Juries this year. There wasn't a single song on my list that was underprepared, I sounded fabulous on all of them, and the acting was solid for all of them, too.

On Sunday morning, I woke up with a sore throat and a little bit of a cough. I made it through the choral concert I was singing that day, but barely.

On Monday, my voice was a little scratchy, I was coughing a bit more, and I felt generally woozy and out of it.

On Tuesday (yesterday), I woke up with practically no voice at all. I spent all day attempting to cough up my lungs. I was coughing so hard that I developed a lower back ache. (No joke.)

Today I woke up feeling a little better, but not much. I took care of myself all morning, drank a lot of tea with honey and lemon, took some Robitussin...even took some Tylenol Sinus, even though I'm not supposed to take decongestants (because of my heart thing...I wouldn't even call it a condition; one of the valves doesn't close all the way). I tried to warm up slowly...it seemed that my voice was coming back, little by little. I would by no means sound as fabulous as I've been sounding all semester, but I'd at least get the notes out. I actually sat down on the steps outside of the auditorium and prayed to get my voice back. I put a cough drop in my mouth and hoped for the best.

When I finally went up to sing...well, let's put it this way, I cried when I was done. I got thorugh it fine, but when I sat back down, I collapsed into tears. The teachers were all fabulously nice to me...my teacher, Mary Ellen, told me not to be so hard on myself. But I wasn't being hard on myself, I told her, I was just angry. It wasn't fair. They all said that I did a good job and I have a beautiful voice. "I just wish you could've heard it," I croaked.

I know that Juries aren't really a big deal. I had realized this by the time I got through Sophomore year. I know that I don't have anything to prove - to them. But for me...I needed this. I needed to do well, for myself. Last semester, when I didn't even get called back, let alone cast in the role I wanted, and was devastated, it was doing well at Juries that helped me to feel better about myself. Once again, I didn't get cast, and I needed to do well, to prove to myself that I don't suck. And I know that it isn't my fault that I caught the cold from Hell and lost my voice...but I'm just really disappointed that I missed my last opportunity to show them what I can do.

Well, back to my Composition project. I'll be back with happier thoughts later, I promise.

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