Sunday, February 13, 2011

endurance

One of the most valuable things that I learned while preparing for / engaging in natural childbirth is endurance. One of my favorite quotes of all time is something that John Mayer tweeted a year or two ago: "True endurance doesn't begin until the moment you find carrying on to be completely unfathomable." What that means, to me, is that you go until you really, honestly can't do it anymore...then you steady your breathing and keep on going. This is true of pushing a stroller up a hill, running on a treadmill, staying in control of yourself through a particularly strong contraction, and simply living during a deployment.

It's hard. It's really, really hard. There isn't anything I have to do now, with my husband away, that I wouldn't normally have to do anyway; but for some inexplicable reason, there is extra pressure. I couldn't begin to tell you where that pressure comes from, but I feel it. It means that there's an even heavier tightness in my chest than usual, it means that my temper is even shorter than usual, it means that all I want to do is sleep. It means that we go out somewhere, anywhere, pretty much every day just to get out of the house and avoid the daily drudgery of folding the laundry and doing the dishes AGAIN. It means that I go ahead and let the boys eat hot dogs or ramen for dinner because I just can't muster the energy to cook something more involved. It means that we're late for school in the morning because we can't get out the door in time; it means that I'm up all night because I forget to go to bed without someone here to remind me.

It's hard. It's really, really hard. Steady your breathing, and just keep on going.

Friday, February 11, 2011

why i stopped blogging

So I purchased a blogging app for my phone, thinking that maybe that would help me post more often. I've seriously considered switching over to Tumblr exclusively, because let's face it, their iPhone app is all kinds of awesome. But for some reason, I just don't feel right about giving up my "real" blog.
I know that I really should pick some kind of focus for this blog, some kind of main topic. I've never really had one, and I never really felt like I needed one, but the blogosphere has changed a lot since I first started blogging - for one thing, there was no such thing as a "blogosphere" in 2001. Random, unrelated observations, musings and rants are fine for Tumblr, I think, but if I want to keep this blog (and I do!) then I really should pick a focus and stick with it, more or less.
I used to just write about whatever was going on in my life, but I can't do that anymore. First of all, my life is boring. Imagine how awesome it would be to live in a completely foreign country. Now forget everything you just imagined because my life is nowhere nearly that exciting.
Also, there are things I'm just not allowed to write about. Now, it's not like I would write about ship's movements or top-secret information about the layout of the base anyway, but that doesn't mean that there aren't people out there, right now, skimming blogs like mine in the hopes that one of us will slip up and reveal something that we're not supposed to. Personally, I'm so paranoid that I really don't think there's much chance that the person who screws up will be me. But just knowing that somebody with malicious intent is probably reading this makes me very, very uncomfortable.
I mean, just look at that entry I posted a while back about all of the places I've lived. A few mentions of "base housing" here, an offhanded "where the Obamas stay when they're in Hawaii" there, and suddenly, over the course of the next month or so (which was completely devoid of new posts), I gain a dozen new *anonymous* followers. And, you see that map over on the left side of the screen? Yeah, I check that, and yes, I have been a bit disturbed by the locations where some of my hits are coming from.
So I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe, if I stick to only posts about knitting, or baking, or underwater basket-weaving, that the terrorist information scouts will skip over my blog and I can stop being freaked out by the whole thing. I just have to figure out what topic I can speak intelligently and interestingly about.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

hi

I have so many ideas for this blog. So many things I want to do, so many things I want to say. I want - I need to start writing again, so I can feel like myself again. I need it. But there's just so much that needs to be done, that I'm having a hard time taking the first step. Maybe I just did.